Thoughts are things

In a Nutshell

2009-03-02T07:07:36Z

Work
Bill's job seems to be going very well despite the merger. He is challenged and satisfied and we're all grateful he simply has a job but to like it as well just makes life better.
My job on the home front is often exhausting but I'm still not wishing to be anywhere but here. The girls keep me on my toes; the house keeps me in motion and the animals keep me in check.

Latest Endeavors
Prepping the yard for a concrete path and more landscaping
Simplifying further the contents of our home
Pursuing a life of voluntary simplicity - one step at a time
Securing items necessary for emergencies

Money
While we still owe on the Saturn (0%), the house, and my education, we will have no credit card debt in a few weeks. Unbelievable!
Recently well spent: Apple's one to one program

Meds
I halved the dose of one of my two and while still experiencing an occasional burst of disproportionate anger, all actually seems to be okay.

Biggest Happiness Makers
Singing with my kids
Laughing with Bill (usually at someone)
Eating more mindfully

Biggest Concerns
Getting on an airplane in May with my girls
Really liking the things at Anthropologie

Things I Like Best for Baby
Baby Bjorn Bouncer
Bumbo
Dr. Brown bottles

Things I Like Best For Toddler
Signing
Instant Watch on Netflix
Bubble paper

Uncertainties
Whether to add Bill's last name to mine in honor of our anniversary
Whether to appeal the speeding by (new) camera ticket
Whether to pursue home schooling, radical unschooling, or public school

WW

2009-03-02T06:31:42Z

So far I think I've lost 8 pounds. I'll weigh in tomorrow to be sure. I switched to the Simply Filling (AKA old "core") plan and find it a bit easier to not have to track every darn thing. The pedometer has been a huge help in getting motivated to be active. I thought I needed to hit that magic number in order to feel good but eating mindfully and moving more are working just as well.

I am surprised at how much I gave in to my cravings in the past. I loved the instant gratification of satisfying what I perceived to be a need for a homemade pazookie or grilled cheese. Now, I can't believe that I'm content with 1/4 cup of mac & cheese served over 4 cups of spinach. I'm also surprised that I can happily eat a piece of melted soy pepper jack cheese on tuna straight from the can with just a few spices for kick. Instead of fried chicken and ice cream sandwiches, I crave tuna tataki and popcorn w/ cinnamon. After eating 85% dark chocolate, any other kind tastes awful. Who knew I would EVER say ANY kind of chocolate was awful?

Right now I'm enjoying eating:
Egg whites with spinach, peppers and mushrooms
Frozen grapes
Boca burgers with jalapenos and soy cheese
Broiled cajun Salmon
Broiled chicken thighs with mustard and capers
Edamame
Olives with low fat sour cream and spices
Oatmeal w/ bananas

I recently discovered the arresting power of the .99 store where I procured MANY cans of "Simply Filling" foods and other specialty foods that aren't perhaps moving as fast in regular stores in this economic climate.

Usually I drink water, pellegrino, coffee - black or with a 1/2 pack of sugar free hot cocoa, and hot tea.

Due to an expiring coupon and my increase in self esteem, I decided to check out what's new at Express. While I am well aware they employ "Vanity Sizes," this was the first time in a long time I could actually try on clothes with an "S" in them. I didn't buy any of those but I was tickled that it wasn't a workout just to get one on. I did treat myself to a few new tops with a just as wonderful"M" in them.

I am surprised and happy how well this endeavor to lose weight fits in with my overall endeavor to live more intentionally.

Edit: I've lost 11!

Letter to Adele

2009-03-02T05:59:06Z

My Dear Adele:

You are a little over 3 as I write this. You are a bright and pleasant little person with seemingly unending energy. You spend your day with me and your sister and look forward to time with Daddy in the evening. You enjoy being helpful and whether that means putting dishes (things not fragile) into the sudsy water, making gifts, hanging/folding laundry, dusting, bouncing Lisey, or feeding the animals, you do everything with eagerness and joy. You especially love pulling weeds and moving rock. You love to pick up things off the floor so that the Roomba can make its way through the house.

Daddy has been working with you to teach you to read and while you aren't always an enthusiastic participant, you are learning and he seems to enjoy the process as well. He has flash cards, books, and computer games he employs in this endeavor. We read several books everyday together. Usually over the cups of warm milk you drink before naps and bedtime. Dora the Explorer, Dr. Seuss and Winnie the Pooh are your favorites series of stories from which to read. You always choose the stories yourself. You sleep with the radio and the fan and no nightlight. We usually start the evening leaving the hall light and door open. As you chat or get needlessly out of bed, we turn off the light then close the door. You don't like either of these measures but they are effective to keep you quiet and in bed.

We also employ an interesting system to punish and reward your bad or good behavior. When you are not good, we take things away from you. When you are good, based on choices to be helpful, polite, tidy, attentive and independent, you earn check mark bills with which you can use to earn back your lost items. Most of the time, you have a fraction of your toys but it keeps your room pretty easy to clean!

These days we are still watching programs on the internet and DVDs. You especially enjoy Hannah Montana (which I do too), You tube music videos, Woody Woodpecker, Signing Times, Smurfs and Scooby Doo. You ask to watch Desperate Housewives but only because you like to see the apple at the beginning.

Since the start of this year, you've made several new friends through an interracial families group that we joined. You love running around the park with them and everyone agrees that your ability to articulate what's on your mind is pretty amazing. You are always the most enthusiastic member of the family when it comes to getting out and about. You so love people and while you are still ironing out your communication style, you seem to always tread gently and with consideration.

You were sick just once in the past few seasons and you didn't let it get the best of you which was so amazing since it was during a family visit and we were in a new environment. I marvel at your fortitude and persistence. I may not always openly appreciate such qualities but, child, I do marvel!

You are a curious little sponge of a child and your Daddy and I adore you to pieces. You are an outstanding big sister, always lavishing love on Elise. You are sensitive and observant and these attributes often test our quality as parents. We do not always have perfect days but we do keep trying more and different ways to be as present for your needs as possible. We do not want to let you down and I know that there are days when I do, because I let myself down on those days too. Your latest reason for making bad choices is to tell us that it's because you are "just a girl." You say you learned this "at school." We did try an in home day care group but it lasted 2 sessions and I didn't have the heart to keep making you go. Other than that, "school" is a complete figment of your imagination (so far as I can tell) and it is the cause of most, if not all, of our misunderstandings.

You are so new to this life but already so adept at living it that I don't often give you the credit that such a newbie deserves. Your sense of humor and gleeful giggles always remind me of how perfect you are. I hope you always find the light in all things - just as you seem to now.

Love Always,
Mom

Letter to Elise

2009-03-02T05:31:15Z

My Dear Elise:

You are into your 19th week as I write this and you are a glorious baby. You have begun to show interest in waving, speaking and picking objects up. You sleep through the night and tend only to complain when you are overtired, overstimulated or hungry. You adore your big sister who loves on you like there's no tomorrow. Your smile is huge and easy. You are tall and oh so healthy but "perfect" by all quantifiable standards. You weigh 16 pounds and are into to 6-9 months clothes. You usually wake gently, playing with your hands in the morning light. You often lead up to all out demanding our attention with chatters that escalate.

We often take you out and about and you generally do well. I load you and all our gear into the 2 kid stroller and we maneuver the beast through aisles at the store or in and around parks and the neighborhood. Since your birth, we've been to the State Fair, the Botanical Gardens, the Zoo, the Tonto Natural Bridge, 3 parks, a fundraising walk, IKEA, a parade and probably a few more neat places that slip my mind. The fact being that you are an easy enough new soul that we can enjoy new places and spaces together. Aside from the few hours spent with Yai and Grandpa (separately), you have been in our care nonstop.

As March gets underway, it is warm where we live, 90 degrees warm in fact. People were discussing the snow back east and here we are with the AC on. I imagine that as the weather continues to warm up, we will find ourselves spending more time outdoors at home, which you seem to enjoy The birds in the tree in our backyard are noisy little buggers and you seem to search for them among the tree's droopy branches. You are mesmerized by the stealthy wind that seems to slide through the leaves, causing just enough of a disturbance that even the birds quiet for this. You, like your sister at this age, seem to have a peaceful soul that resonates with nature and all its amazing details.

You help to make every day beautiful and fulfilling. Thank You.

Love always,
Mom

Weight Loss

2009-02-16T08:04:01Z

So I'm starting Week 4 of Weight Watchers online and all signs say "Right on!" The first 2 weeks were tough. I was convinced that leaving my dessert "pocket" empty meant I might starve (well, not really but it felt like it). When I realized that my appetite is texture driven, I started addressing it in realistic but helpful ways. I'm still 18 pounds away from pre-pregnancy weight but I hope to drop quite a few more on top of that. Bill seems to think I've lost enough (yeah, he's awesome like that) but I'm dedicated to getting down to my ideal height to weight ratio.

I've been getting 10K steps in a day without too much difficulty and am going to shoot for 20k a day by spring. For those who might know, I'm barely touching the weekly points now that I've figured out some ways to stretch the daily points. Here are some things that are working:

Red pepper & tomato soup with Saltines (Hot, creamy, salty, crunchy)
Dark chocolate and Cheetos (100 calorie pack) (Sweet, creamy, salty, crunchy)
Apple/Banana Oatmeal (made in the slow cooker) w/ walnuts and some chocolate chips (Hot, fruity, creamy, sweet, crunchy)
Frozen grapes & reduced fat Keebler Club crackers (sweet, cold, crunchy, salty)
Lots of gum
Bowl of spinach w/jalapenos, low fat sour cream, dill and cracked black pepper
Boca burgers with jalapenos
Turkey sandwich: 1 slice bread, drizzled honey, turkey and wedge of Laughing cow cheese
Nuts & chocolate
Sliced apples & pears

I can't believe how differently I see food now. Food is a way to make energy and I don't have to eat something I crave in order to get that energy. Tending to an anticipated outcome means addressing quantity on the front end (in order to keep it from building up on the back end).

I feel great and I'm optimistic that this is a good way to stay on top of what once was a very noisy dessert pocket.

Speaking of body issues...I just want to say that I love my stretch marks and think of them as being my very own tattoos of sorts. This body, with all its imperfections and shortcomings, brought 2 babies into this world and the lifelines across my abdomen are proof of that. When I was at the spa this weekend (courtesy of Ben) I had occasion to witness the manner of intensity some women have when it comes to the body. I was reminded to be thankful for my DNA. I also am remembering to be grateful that I have the perspective I do on appearance since it makes life less expensive, less stressful and a lot less delicate than some believe it might be.

Parenting

2009-02-16T08:02:35Z

So right now, Adele is not my favorite but it's all right because I'm not hers. We aren't in a bad place necessarily, she's just testing her (my) limits and sometimes it gets...unpleasant. Asking "why" is normal, natural and all that happy jazz but it's annoying. Adele talks pretty much nonstop. I like good conversation, most who know me know that, but I cannot wait until she falls asleep just to shut that little motormouth of hers. She doesn't need conversation to talk, she imitates sounds and spouts off insanities she says she learned in "school" (she's 3 and has never been to any school) so what she learns in "school" is often pretty creative.

She mimics things she hears and I'm not inclined to censor her too terribly since I don't want to stifle her "expressiveness." When it comes to cuss words, I do often explain that not everyone likes hearing such language, especially from little people. This is how I handle any of those possibly weird and potentially inappropriate behaviors - I explain that not everyone wants to see this or hear that. She lets me know if I've breached that line too so that's "fun." The only things I tell her are BAD are not listening to her mama (and her daddy) which allows room for a lot of rule making as I go.

Adele is creative and helpful and has started being able to think ahead a step or two which has been pretty neat to see. She's still adjusting to life with baby and sometimes I can see that this is quite hard for her. I must give her props because she is always loving toward Elise and is pretty consistent in taking her frustration out on me and Bill.

The other day she didn't want to show me the hair clip she broke because she was worried I would be "frustrated with her." She made me promise I wouldn't be. Her deliberate attempt to soften what she imagined would be a harsh blow struck me as something incredible. She is now grasping quite vividly how actions have consequences. I know I need to be more mindful of my own responses to her (and those of others') actions as I am her model. I am setting the standard for whether you break things in anger, shut down when things get complicated, and/or overcompensate when in doubt. I need to do better giving her sounder tools to work with...that's my job - to give her the best tools I can so that she can build a life she likes living.

Elise is awesome and her adoration of me makes life so very cool. Her jowl-ish cheeks are munchable and while she's far from underfed, her baby-ness is still sweet. She does not like to be hungry and I find that she fusses only when she has to wait for food. She sleeps through the night (Adele's the one that gets up) and is very pleasant during her waking time. She chills in her Bumbo (I LOVE it) and either watches me work or plays with toys. She is pretty dextrous for 17 weeks. She can guide the bottle to her mouth, bring the binky to her mouth, pick things up and grab whatever's before her. She loves when I sing and read to her (all babies do - I know I'm not special). She's wearing 6 month clothes and is growing pretty fast. She loves her big sister but I'm sensing already that they will have competing personalities. Adele's will be glitzy and demonstrative, Elise's personality, I imagine, will be more reserved and sassy but equally as commanding.

They both have recovered, for the most part, from their colds. As sickies though, they were still pretty amenable, all things considered.

I've been racking my brain to figure out what parents of good kids do. One thing I'm thinking they must do is set boundaries around life at home and make home the center of everyone's life. If all adult members of the family value time together at home, perhaps it becomes ingrained in kids as well. Home has to be the center for a family to sustain well, I think. Home is where all sense of security and "normalcy" develop and strengthen. I also think not allowing home to be the refuge for all your kids' friends is wise...I think that blurs boundaries. Still sorting through my thoughts on this.

A day in the life

2009-01-28T06:52:05Z

Adele is trying me something fierce and I spend half my day wishing she had a clue how much I loved her. She tests her/my boundaries and while I know that's "normal"- it doesn't make it pleasant. We are not connecting as I feel we should but frankly I'm too tired to care too much about it anyway. I console myself with knowing she is very likely not to remember being 3. It's not all bad...she's just seeing how deep the water runs and eventually, she'll get that she can't swim yet.

I say: Sit with your sister a sec while I go to the bathroom, okay? Just smile and wave at her. A minute later, Adele runs by the bathroom crying and a second later Elise starts crying. Once I get myself off the loo, I'm trying to calm one down then the other. I learn that while "watching" her sister, Adele "bonked their heads." That was okay, what was worse was when she gently but still very intentionally kicked the basket Noelle was sleeping in. Sisters getting beat up - that's tolerable. Messing with my animals - well, that's not. I spend my entire day bouncing between the two and marvel that I get any little thing done at all. When one is hungry, the other wants to play. When one is down for a nap, the other wakes from one. It is never ending.

Just a minute ago, as I enviously watched Bill sleep, I was trying to get Elise to do the same and thinking about how my blanket was still in the dryer, whether Adele's windows were closed, if I packed enough for his lunch tomorrow, whether the dogs had water, if the furniture was covered (to keep the animals off) and what I could eat that wouldn't destroy my day's tally. Then I decided that the windows and water were the 2 things I absolutely had to do before sleeping. Lo and behold, the energy to to check the rest and even to write a post appeared out of nowhere. That's my life of late...when I limit myself to addressing only what I consider most important, despite the ticker of tasks constantly going, I get the little oomph needed to check off or simply check in with the second tier of tasks. It's been good. I'm not caught up, by no means, but I don't feel like I'm flailing either.

I keep reminding myself that I am in control of how I receive each day with these girls. I am usually in a good enough place to choose to appreciate the opportunity to spend a day with them. That does not make being a SAHM, at least for me, all sunshine and bunnies, because it most very well is anything but. What I do know is that I'm getting better at prioritizing, relishing, and mise en place with every day I am home with them.

Elise makes up for her big sister's coming of age transgressions. With her big brown eyes gazing up so adoringly at me, I am beside myself in happiness. Her big toothless smile amuses me every time. When her eyes grow heavy, a series of tiny kisses on her fat cheeks seems to ease her right into sleep. She loves seeing the alphabet signed and the song sung (as did Adele).

I started Weight Watchers in earnest this weekend and nearly gave up when I used my entire extra set of points for the week in 2 days. Now, I'm a little more on top of the program and while hating to pay to be told how to eat sensibly, I'm eager to be successful. I am 5'1 and weigh a lot more than a person who is 5'1 ought to weigh. For the record, I have spent my entire life feeling larger than normal...the weight gain from pregnancy is half gone but I wasn't as fit as I should have been when I got pregnant and I'd venture to guess I've not been as fit as a person of 5'1 should be since...oh, middle school. Yeah, really. I was always active growing up and muscle weighs more than fat and blah blah blah but at this point in my life, I'm not into walking all over the planet as I used to be so, as an adult, I've decided to pay someone to make me accountable. I want to lose a big chunk of myself...like a 1/3 of what I weigh. I have eaten more fruits and vegetables in the past few days than ever, I bet. Tonight though I ate a 1/3 of a hamburger and a 1/3 of a piece of cheese...with spinach and peppers and low fat sour cream (souped up on herbs and spices) and was surprised that after the initial hunger resentment subsided (there was also plate of grilled italian sausage and BBQ chicken in front of me), I was fine by the end of the night and even came in UNDER my day's tally. I'm planning to get this body image thing under control so that my girls cannot only have healthy choices but also healthy role model/s.

Ho Hum

2009-01-22T06:27:10Z

What's New...

Had a social event this weekend at A's new home. It was a very good time. We drank, ate and I drank more. I had NO idea rum drunk neat (and with lollipops) was so good! I was drinking something my brother picked up and it tasted a lot like Liquor 43...Awesome. I don't know when the last time I was that I came home at 4am and doing so made me feel *very* cool.

Went to see the NP today and she seemed okay with my self-imposed decrease in medication. I haven't stopped medicating all together as in times past but I've halved my dose of the lithium and seem to be finding some success. I feel less sluggish and more motivated to not just articulate my thoughts and feelings but to record them as well. There is the rush to rage but as Bill has pointed out my anger is not as drawn out as it can be. I suppose there's a dilemma - anger that rises suddenly and dies quickly or anger that seeps in slowly but lasts and lasts. I prefer the former but am hoping to work my body more so that the actual energy to be physical when angry is less of a problem than in times past. There is another issue with the thyroid, being underactive, so I will need to address this with the new PCP and an endocrinologist, I suppose.

I read _The Guernsey Literature and Potato Peel Pie Society_ for book group which met tonight. We dined on AZ elk which was a new experience for me. The book was great - a series of letters that reveal a bit of history and the machinations of the human heart and how it heals and hopes. It was an easy read and the characters are quite likeable, even if somewhat one-dimensional. Considering the medium is a series of letters, I suppose 1-D characters should have been expected. I appreciated the information about WWII and could relate to the protagonist's call to island life. I really liked that the discussion of romance, and its ideals, was a terrifically small part of the story. Even if the story revolved around a relationship's development, I'm glad there weren't many of the grisly details.

My new blog is very exciting and has really helped me to focus on what it is I mean to say and do regarding the pursuit of simplicity. I am fast realizing that I will need to find a community of like-minded thinkers. They need not be living so authors should suffice until I can try and get a real live group going.

Here in the house, I am currently setting up the basics for some outdoor lighting. Nothing particularly aesthetic but necessary if we are to enjoy the outdoors. I have solar lighting to go in the front to highlight our home since the porch light is motion determined and at night, you cannot see our home at all. In the back, solar lights will hopefully provide the lure we need to spend more time there. We also have lanterns if we actually need to see each other! I am building an arched path in the backyard with concrete pavers and a mold to mark a separation in landscape and to safely make trips to the compost and trash bins. I am laying some bamboo mats in the gazebo area and want to make it a little more inviting. I love that AZ weather permits such long visits outdoors, especially in winter.

Indoors, I am still trying to refine my 100-vessels plan. I want to have no more than 100 spaces for stuff and so far, am doing lousy. Back to purging!

Blogging

2009-01-21T07:30:20Z

I started a blog on my journey toward voluntary simplicity: http://burningmybarn.blogspot.com/

I need to get a writing routine down. I feel like I am always trying to recap events half conscious. I really enjoy having this space to unwind, as it were, and must find a way to honor the act.

Voluntary Simplicty

2009-01-17T08:34:03Z

So, of late, I've been trying to fine tune my understanding of voluntary simplicity and frugality. Here's what I've decided: These are different...very different. The former is the art of living beneath your means and the other makes a game of it. I love getting a good deal but what I really want is to want less. Being frugal is wise, no doubt. I'm just not certain making frugal choices is, in fact, what makes a frugal life. Frugality is supposed to be about "economy in the use of resources" and yet my experience thus far in trying to be frugal, as it is suggested in a variety of of online spaces, just makes me want more and expect it for less.

I've decided I want to pursue the philosophy behind voluntary simplicity, in earnest, and while it all won't happen overnight, I think having a vision of this sort will be freeing. Just determining what's realistic for me in this journey has afforded a remarkable lifting of a unique kind. The stumbling blocks I encounter daily, fueled by insecurity, judgment and uncertainty seem to be smaller as I start to piece together what my family's "big picture" should maybe be. My big picture is ambitious but why not think "big" at the beginning? I have ideas of shopping twice a year then growing what we don't buy...ideas of retiring in this house, having solar powered everything...of writing and reading to pass time, forge bonds and mark milestones. The big picture is clear, articulable, and flexible. The big picture starts with having less to organize so I've taken action: I'm doing another 100 item purge which includes forgoing the tools needed to "jazz" up many creative endeavors. I'm trying to focus less on the appeal of an aesthetic design and more on how form can purely and beautifully follow function.

One area, now that the holidays are over, I want to work on pertains to the giving and receiving of gifts. I love making gifts and I love receiving them but I think I might tone mine down to something much simpler and personal than in years past. I might also request that in lieu of gifts, we be given something not entirely physical/tangible, such as an experience or a reflection of sorts. I don't know if this is fair to my kids since our culture is so material happy but I think in the long run, less material stuff to interfere in their clarity of what's "fun," "cool," or "entertaining" has to be a good thing. I don't subscribe to doing everything frugally/cheaply but I do think a lot of "hip" can be made from a DIY pursuit. Instead of birthday parties this year, I think I'm doing one "Kids Day" for the girls to celebrate and be celebrated, sans toys.

Now it's Thursday

2009-01-15T07:01:31Z

DAUGHTER 1: Adele read her first word "CAN." She is smart and sweet but damn can she ever push my buttons. Our days aren't filled with Ugly simply because she is so pleasant when being rotten. I love her but she tries me something fierce. I probably have no right to complain since her misbehavior is generally easy to resolve but when you get used to the good, a little ugly feels like a lot. She loves working in the yard together, going on adventures "like Dora," reading, playing with her dolls, and "making presents." She does not like keeping her shoe bin dedicated to her shoes, wearing non sparkly attire, wearing socks or shoes. She does not like it when Elise cries and is prompted into fear by "scary" music. She enjoys watching Max & Ruby, Hannah Montana, the Wiggles, Caillou, and shows with kids in them. We take turns watching the computer...but we refrain from watching anything remotely scary in front of her. Among our shows, she enjoys Ugly Betty and, oddly enough, anything about football.

DAUGHTER 2: Lisey (prounounced "Leesee") is getting so strong. She'll soon be turning herself over. She is so darn cute - I want to eat her up! She smiles easy and has begun laughing. Her first laugh (I know of) was in the tub. She likes the "BINGO" song and does not suffer hunger well. She does not seem to like her feet covered (a sibling thing, it would seem), the dogs barking, or me yelling. Her every expression is too precious and amazing but I find I am almost always to exhausted to enjoy her as much as I'd like. She has amazing brown eyes and being able to make her smile is such a day-maker!

ME: I am trying to find the momentum I need to maintain something...anything. I'd like to be loyal to a system of some sort but I haven't found the time to lay out details for anything let alone actually start tending to it. I feel close...I just need some uninterrupted time...time I can count on to not beinterrupted. I seem to spend my days waiting, holding my breath, until I collapse physically and/or emotionally. I am always waiting for the next fire to become just hot enough for me to have to turn toward it. I don't know if this is what parenting is supposed to feel like but I really would like some tricks to help keep me centered...I'm not seeking advice here...I'll get it together, I know. I almost have.

I walked through the neighborhood today without my knife or my bat and I felt vulnerable at first. After awhile I saw things differently. Not every tree or electrical box or van was hiding a would-be attacker. Odds are, I'd be just as safe without my weapons as I had been with them (I still will bring them when I remember). I realized being afraid was a choice I was making each time I ventured out of the house. There's always time for fear to act on its own behalf, I suppose I need not rush it.

MORE: My brother was out for a visit and we had a lovely time. I hate that our visits are so few and far between. He is good company and while knowing me all too well, still seems to love me. We did about half of what I'd hoped to do but so it goes. He and Bill played golf and we all went t see the stunning Chiuhly exhibit at the Botanical Garden, then the less stunning ZooLights. We ate out at Kona Grill, Pita Jungle & noca. AND NOCA OMG...yes, loved, loved, loved it! Every second - loved it. We had wine and conversation over 6 courses and it was a bit like I'd always hoped we'd be as adult siblings. I can only hope that my girls are half as lucky.

I was reminded that I am indeed my mother's daughter as I noticed that I plan events based around when and what we'll eat. When we weren't eating out we had steak at home, picnic sandwiches at the Garden, birthday brunch, fondue, chicken wings, and tuna melts. I like sharing the way we eat with company... it feels like I'm sharing a real piece of who we are when we share what/how we sustain our bodies.

I'm thinking of starting a blog that distills and crystallizes everything I've LJ'd and reflected upon in other forms. I'm thinking of calling it "LMNO" - Laine's Mine of Nuggets & Observations

Bill's been busy at work but he's done a remarkable job in not bringing too much home with him. He always hates how I use his vacation time to visit family and I think I might plan a little resort type getaway for our anniversary this year. Speaking of which, if we did decide to exchange vows, I found the perfect place to do it and I think I might be able to get it for free...we'll see.

Best sleep while I can. Don't think I've seen REM in weeks. I miss REM.

Kernel to Cancer

2009-01-04T10:03:21Z

Yesterday one tonsil swelled so greatly that I nearly cried every time I swallowed. I was in such pain and after trying all the oral remedies we have in the house, I took a Prednisone, left over from an asthma attack, and spent some time letting Google diagnose me. Once we (me and Google) decided I had cancer, I called Bill and asked him what we should do if I had 6 months to live. I decided I wanted to have a garden growing at the time of my death so that has become the newest landscaping goal.

As with any other pain, sore, bump, or swelling, I decided to poke at my tonsil with something sharp. I noticed a scary large lump and focused my instrument on it. It moved around but didn't seem to pop. After poking it, I noticed a hint of relief and today the pain has completely subsided. The source of my malaise, I now know, was a stuck popcorn piece. As I sit next to my daily bowl of popcorn right now, I marvel at how it took a kernel to get me to evaluate what I most want out of life. I am grateful that all I'm wanting in what could be my final days (as they may very well could be) is fresh rosemary.

Lessons

2009-01-04T09:48:06Z

I thought I really wanted some bling so I found the Tiffany's STYLE Celebration ring I've been admiring and planned to buy it for myself (key word here being STYLE). When I went to the mall this morning, I slipped into a silver store even though I usually wear gold. For $25 I bought myself what feels like the most perfect silver band ever (and a cute toe ring/kid's ring for Dell.) I spent half an hour poring over the designs and tried to find the perfect style for me. Once I realized that I needed not to look for what was best for me but rather what I was best designed to wear, choosing a plain, widish band was simple.

I also arranged to have my engagement ring resized (pregnancy does its damage in multiple ways). I'm looking forward to wearing it again.

I had my first one-to-one session at Apple and it was so cool. It was very helpful and I think will be well worth the fee. Apple offering quality over diversity is a manufacturing strategy that I want to support more with my purchasing power (read: I want an iphone and an ipod). I think all too often I am dazzled by the sheer variety and variation of certain products on the market. There's magic in something that works over and every time. I want to do my part to keep that magic alive!

Today I had 4 hours without having to be anyone's partner or parent and it was wonderful. It was refreshing to be out and about without all my baggage, er homelife, in tow. I saw things in and on my own time and I had the even more indulgent treat to consider what I observed without interruption. What a gift it is to have my mind all in one place.

Family Snippits

2009-01-04T09:45:39Z

At least once every night, Della wakes upset and when I go to comfort her, she tells me she wants Daddy, not me. She usually says so before or after I discover Bill has woken and left the toilet lid up (which NEVER happens any other time). For some reason these 2 things happening daily are starting to take their toll. I wonder what my partner and first born think of me when they aren't filtering as actively as they must when awake.

I dreamed Elise's first word was/will be "kiss."

Elise is growing so darn fast. She's had some digestive issues lately and the pain she appears to be experiencing is heart wrenching. She rarely cries and is usually easily soothed by rocking. When she's in pain, she's loud. Like all babies she loves watching the "light box" or in our case whatever tv/movies we watch online. She adores Dell and seems to light up especially for her when she hears or sees her. Elise has an incredible smile and nice chubby limbs. She is a keeper, for sure. :) We have started her on the Baby Einstein videos and had I known they would work for both her and Adele, I would have long ago stuck them both in front of one. I'm glad I didn't wait much longer. There are some issues of territory gently developing but I think things will be okay for awhile between sisters.

We've been trying to watch more kid friendly media and after being totally disgusted by Annie and Shirley Temple, I reluctantly decided to give Hannah Montana a try. OMG I love that sh*t! The intro song is a big hit for all here...I guess High School Musical is next. It could be worse, we could all be up in some Disney Princess a** right now so while still in "Disneyland" I'm feeling the teen scene stuff may be a winner for all involved.

So far, being a mom of 2 is almost completely life draining. I get refueled when I see one's big new smile or hear the other's surprised but developing laughter. Looking into their gorgeous brown eyes and seeing what, so far, seems to be delight is worth what being a mom does to hasten life's final curtain.

Reluctantly recording the what not

2009-01-04T09:24:09Z

I hate to write without editing but if I wait to write when there's time to edit, I'll never write so...I'll post more and plan to post less.

Starting back simple

2008-12-29T18:18:31Z

I've been a parent to two for 10 weeks now and I'm pretty sure it ISN'T the best gig in the world. Still, I'm not sure what I care more to do in its stead. And okay, I admit that being in this space isn't entirely UNfulfilling. It *is* harder to stay on top of my life with kids but here are a few things that I've found to be occasionally helpful (and a couple not so) as I acclimate:

On a daily basis:
Dirt Dog/Roomba
Automated bill pay
Caffeine
Instant watching on Netflix
Naps for one and all!
Wearing sneakers at the start of the day
Wearing cozy slippers at the end
Cheese
Hot tea/cocoa
Vitamin C
Blackberry
Lists

On a weekly basis:
Walking to buy fresh fruits & vegs
Dancing to a favorite playlist of music videos on YouTube
Honoring a relationship with someone who doesn't live with me
Making a donation to Goodwill
A massage and/or more
Dark chocolate sea salt caramels

As time permits:
Bath naps with smell goods
A few ounces of something buzz inducing
Sticking a stamp on something and mailing it

Only when necessary (and readily available)
Zicam
Valium
Browsing online for the perfect, overdue, much deserved piece of bling

Things not so helpful:
Saying "no" just because it seems like the parental thing to do
Trying to maintain a routine at the cost of household peace

Has it been too long?

2008-12-26T20:21:55Z

I once had a friend who told me he didn't write letters to me anymore because he had waited too long between stories to write. I want to return to this space, between naps and feedings and bouts of fitless (is this a word?) sleep, with whatever stories I can salvage. Even if no one reads, I owe it to myself and the safety of my children to write. I'll be back.

Elise Celeste

2008-10-26T11:21:42Z

Elise Celeste arrived 10.15.08 at 9am. She weighed 7lbs even and measured 17.75 inches.

My Dear Elise:

October 15, 2008 was a perfectly clear and crisp autumn day here in the desert. As your sister and Yai waited at home, your father and I made our way to Banner Desert at 6 in the morning. We were scheduled to be in the OR at 815a. After a bit of trauma in pre-op, we were wheeled to the door of operating room 3, I believe. We waited a moment and I remember wanting to succumb to the panic that had started to creep into my nerves. I was frightened of what was to come…not by your arrival but by what measures we were taking to making it happen. The ordeal in pre-op seemed to be an omen of sorts and I had to fight hard not to believe it to be such. As we waited briefly, I almost shouted that I’d changed my mind. That I didn’t care about the risks, that I wanted you to cook for as long as you wanted. That I wanted you to choose how and when you’d join us. That I simply couldn’t face the fear I had about being in so vulnerable a position again. Instead of saying anything, I cried.

In the OR, the medical professionals, some meeting for the first time then and there, came together like a team of seasoned athletes whose only goal was to usher a healthy new you into this world. There was a flurry of activity as nurses prepped tools, introductions between doctors were made, drugs were pumped into us and labs were read aloud. After the spinal block I was numb from what felt like the mouth down. I joined the journey the numbness was on and when I found I couldn’t swallow, I tried to fight the frenzy clawing its way to my mind’s surface. I kept saying to myself that I didn’t have a reason for wanting to swallow – so I should stop trying. Instead of complaining anymore to your Dad about it, I remember turning my head away from him and crying more.

If I’m completely honest, the discomfort wasn’t entirely about the act of being cut open but I was also very aware of how exposed I was. I’m not necessarily a modest person, and it would have been a feat of great proportion, but since the anesthesiologist was so darn hot, I was really regretting not having spent more time grooming my lady parts. Just being honest, sweetie.

Under huge, round lights, an audience of at least 10 witnessed your birth by c section. I vaguely remember seeing you as they held you over the curtain just after being pulled from my belly. You were not as pretty in that moment as you are now, but I suppose no newborn is. When I was more fully awake, I listened to the doctor and his assistant talk about some concert. You were with your father in recovery and I was getting my innards sewn back in.

I was pretty doped up back in recovery but I was stapled shut and finally covered. And most important, I was near you and your father. Ba’Anne also was waiting for you. You were much anticipated and Elise, my dear, you took my breath away. Your features are delicate and smooth. The soft patch of hair on your head is dark brown as are the hints of eyebrow you have. Your eyes appear to be dark and when they are open, you are absolutely stunning.

You were a little jaundiced and while you were on the mid to high end of the scale, they let us take you home so long as we promised to set you in the sun for a bit. We came home Saturday Oct. 18.

While in the hospital, laying in your bassinet, all swaddled, you would lift your little legs in response to something startling you. I may nickname you “Bug” as a result. At your first visit with the pediatrician (after coming home), he said you were “truly a beautiful and healthy baby girl.”

You are 10 days old as I now try to finish this. You are alert, amazingly sweet and generally docile. You are a champion eater, sleeper and burper. Your sister adores you and often refers to you as “our baby.” You are beautiful and I am excited that you are finally with us. Your cry, much like your sister’s as a baby, is delicate but also fierce. Your grip is strong. You lift your head off my shoulder with a lovely sort of fortitude and your legs seem much more powerful than a brand new person’s ought. You already have a bridge on your nose and this slight difference in your facial features seems to be indicative of the uniqueness you are determined to bring into this family.

There is a serenity to your spirit that I not only admire but trust. You are special beyond words and I can’t believe I love you this much already.

Welcome my sweet girl.

Love,
Mom

Content

2008-10-07T21:02:53Z

Elise receives a personal invitation to join us next Wednesday, if she doesn’t choose to put in an appearance sooner that is. My mother arrives today. And October seems to have arrived gently here in the valley. Aside from nausea that comes in sudden waves, all is well and we are ready.

My projects are not all likely to be completed in time for the baby’s arrival but I’ve found some peace with that. I’m content to purge and organize for now. I do hope recovery is quick and that I can be physically ready to parent 2 wee ones – I so want to enjoy this fabulous month of weather and festivals.

Adele has been remarkably wonderful of late. She is sweet and easy going and so much fun. She has extended her reality into realms we’ve not intentionally developed and she entertains us to no end with her stories and songs from “school” and in her many and varied “conversations” with relatives, both existing and invented. Hers is such a beautiful and amazing spirit. She is smart, thoughtful, sensitive and sweet.

I am so excited about becoming a family of 4 (or 8 – depending on who you’re including). I feel a tremendous peace about each of our roles as this family grows. I can say without reservation that there is no more perfect place for me to be than where I am right now.

37 weeks

2008-10-01T16:09:00Z

Some thoughts:

October is finally here – yippee! Halloween, autumn, birth! I’m still hoping Elise will come earlier but knowing she’ll surely be here on the 15th is suddenly invigorating. I love that having a planned c-section means no exams from the OB. Perhaps such is the only perk about being pregnant at this point though, the last week or so has not been as bad as I thought it was going to be. There were a few hints of what darkness could come but something better intervened.

The nesting urges kicked in high gear and between weeding binges, turning the compost, and stocking up on hygiene products, I pulled up the vinyl tile in both the bathroom and Adele’s room and replaced both. When I finally took Bill’s suggestion to use the steamer to pull up the tiles, I was elated at how much easier the task became once having the right tool. I always forget how much using the right tool matters. I’d still like to do the laundry room floors but that’s less pressing. Today I need to replace & reorganize all of Adele’s things and make more room for Elise’s as well.

My mom arrives a week from today and will be here for 3 weeks. I’m honestly not sure what I was thinking when I booked those tickets – 3 weeks?! But it’s done and now I can only hope for the best and keep the liquor well stocked. 2 kids and some tequila between us should sufficiently distract us from all the things we disapprove of in the other or so one hopes.

Other nesting projects include:

One final push of stuff through ebay, before people pull their purse strings too tight
Devising a realistic 6-month long budget plan
Deep cleaning the car
Deep cleaning the floors
Inventory and plans for in progress projects
Inventory and organization of file cabinet
Inventory of all storage
More work in the backyard living area

Note - I started what I thought would be a brief commentary on current events, but trying to be brief is often my most time consuming endeavor. There’s a lot to be worked up over these days and I feel it’s important to temper some of how I frame my views…and for that I require more time.

A "Wet" Dream

2008-09-29T15:20:35Z

I dreamed last night I was a guest of someone’s in a world I was not born into. I was dressed in their attire but still obviously not a tenant. Despite their every attempt, I was unmoved by their flagrant gestures of disapproval. I felt impermeable. I felt no sense of desire to belong and I was fully aware of my own contentment in the “other” place I was in…the place I was from.

In this new place, there was water everywhere. You swam through it to “arrive” in this place then it followed you everywhere, dripping into pools at your feet no matter how long out of it you’d been. Wetness informed your senses as you ate, took in a museum, moved from a to b. The sound of water drops was steady. You couldn’t escape the muskiness of things never quite dry. There was an interminable humidity.

Bodies were significant. The gross and inexplicable were esteemed. Subjects of sound and sight were magnified and the effect bordered on pure meaninglessness. I was confused and overwhelmed by the spectacle.

----

I think the tone of this dream comes from having confirmation that I do not want as I sometimes think I should. I think I’ve struggled with the need to feel valuable in the eyes of others and with the responsibilities that accompany fulfilling such a need.

I think I’m realizing though that who matters to me is significant, perhaps even more so, than to who it is I matter.

Selling out -as my brother has alleged

2008-09-28T20:45:40Z

This weekend, I am feeling 10 times more American...more Jones-ish.

First there’s the Costco-sized crate load of Poptarts in the kitchen. They were on sale and even though we’ve never had them as regular fare, I thought “why not?” Turns out, the Smores ones are entirely way too tasty. Also I’ve got soda coming out of my ears. These too were on sale and since I seem to crave soda when I’m pregnant, I thought (again) “why not?” While there’s still a ton left, I think I’ve satisfied and cured that craving.

Not doing the laundry by hand these last few loads has been…too darn sweet. I feel lazy putting everything in a machine and walking away but I also really kind of like it! I can only hope that I’ll remember the virtues of hand washing when my body is more able.

Finally, after a few years of pining for one but not wanting to spend the money, we finally decided to invest in a gas grill. I called for all the Weber ones I liked on craigslist and when those didn’t pan out we headed out to a Big Box and bought a brand new one. Bill assembled it and for the first time ever in our 11 years together we had grilled steak, potatoes and beer (for Bill) in our very own home. I once got a free package of flank steak that I “kabobed” but I’m not sure I’ve ever even *bought* steak at the store before. To recover from the vast amount of cow we consumed, tonight we’ll be dining on grilled boca.

When the crock-pot/slow cooker I ordered arrives, I will feel so American I won’t even recognize myself. I hope I can stand it.

Sinking

2008-09-23T16:28:09Z

She’d been in line for over 30 minutes. She was smooshed between the 6 year old (or so) blonde boy and the chubby 2 year old red headed girl. About 6 other kids waited as well. They crowded around the tiny table covered with paints, jewel stickers, glitters and sprays, eyes wide with excitement for their turn. The face painter took a painfully long time to perfect each child’s design. An amazing tiger, a cheek-filled flower garden, bat masks, etc. took leave, each after 15-20 minutes or so of attention.

The artist’s work was intricate and if Adele didn’t mind the wait, the “price” was just right (free but tips welcome). The chubby child, kept shoving her way out of line and in front of Adele. Bill was on task to keep the order clear. Aside from my own selfish & impatient needs, one reason I think it’s important Adele know her place in a queue is so that she can claim what’s hers when it’s time. I want her to be assertive enough to expect, then demand if need be, what she’s, more or less, earned. Adele is patient and generally receptive which I appreciate and want to encourage. I also, though, want to foster a healthy and clear sense of that to which she is entitled.

I’m not sure I once saw the red headed pudge-ball smile which always kind of bugs me…not that I’m all Ms. Smiley or anything but I feel like a smile on a child should be an uncomplicated and relatively easy thing. I also observed with a tinge of disgust that when this little girl talked, nothing sounded legible nor pleasant. I know I am at my absolute most judgmental as a parent, I don’t pretend this isn’t true. Her round little arms and short chunky legs started to nauseate me a little. I was tired and hot and it was more humid than usual so it wasn’t taking much to set my mood afoul. Not to mention I am more pregnant than is considered novel anymore. It wasn’t long before all of the kids were irritating me for some abstract reason or another. One was too chatty, another too fidgety, one too unremarkable, another too matchy-matchy…and then there was the fact that they were all white.

This, I know, is a problem; I’m aware of this. Gilbert is a very white area so I shouldn’t have been surprised that nearly every body around me was white but for some reason, as in other certain points in my life, I found myself really uneasy when I suddenly noticed I was swimming in a sea of “fairness.” I had been searching for people of color and finding maybe a handful in the 2 hours we milled around, I started to feel like *I* shouldn’t be there; like I was some kind of fraud (a life long identity predicament, I’m afraid). I thought I appeared to be desperate and trying to pass, what with my white partner and fair child and all. The inadequacy is mine even if it is learned. An attitude shift might do me well but I think it’s become a protective necessity to calculate the saliency of certain identity markers.

I reveal all this to unpack maybe a fragment of what may have been in play when my heart broke a little that night.

The blonde boy in front of Adele said something to her. Her eyes looked up at him, in a sort of awe, and she smiled big at him, glad I imagine, that this “big kid” was paying her any mind. I watched as the awe slowly, as if in increments, turned to confusion. Her smile still danced a little across her lips in the first few frames but her eyebrows furrowed a little as I heard her say to him: “What are you saying? Why are you saying that?” My heart pounced toward her as I watched her sweet face of adoration disappear into one of confusion.

I stepped forward and said to the boy “My daughter doesn’t understand what it is you’re trying to say to her. Tell me and maybe I can help her understand.” He was clearly surprised to have been witnessed and floundered in answering - mumbling “I didn’t say nothing.” It was in his surprise that I realized again how too seldom and therefore to too great a detriment, we pay witness to moments; to details. I said “Well you must have said something because she’s asking what you were saying. Why don’t you tell me?” In the groups of adults nearby, a man I hadn’t yet identified as a parent came to his son’s aid, wanting to know what was going on. I refused to make eye contact with him, already weighed down with a hot night’s anger and irritation and wary of what any direct confrontation might bring.

When he asked his son what he said, the boy said defensively: “Nothing, I was saying it to myself.” The father said as he turned back to his crowd: “You need to use nice words.” My mouth, dripping ugly, opened before my attitude could have a second thought: “Well, don’t they always?” I turned to look at the buzz cut blonde man squarely in his face. The sunglasses he wore on the backside of his head, long after dusk, seemed ridiculous and I wanted to break them. Neither of us smiled. The boy turned away from us obviously sullen, the air around us suddenly seemed thicker. Adele continued to search the boy’s face for some kind of affirmation, perhaps that which she thought he was bestowing when he first turned to talk to her. The wait for her turn seemed interminable and I wished desperately that there might be less of me, for everyone’s sake.

Knowing I cannot protect her from everything, I was unprepared for how devastating it felt to see her expect kindness and get something she didn’t understand instead. I feel it took me too long to learn, adequately, this lesson myself. Not that I ever anticipate/d kindness but it took a long time for me to realize the intelligence in preserving against the possible instead of relying on what was probable.

What race has to do with the equation may seem arbitrary to some, since Adele and sometimes I, can pass as part of the neutral. The undeniable piece in unraveling my own feelings about this world with its humans that I’ve invited her into is that I don’t trust it, I don’t buy it, and I very often wish I was myself, not a part of it. I have a love-hate relationship with the world as I know it and the structure that powers it is one I both abhor and realize I demand. I feel sadness and shame for bringing more consciousness and sustenance into this world to support a system that can’t be overcome and for which I feel incredibly deficient to effectively address.

34 Weeks

2008-09-11T07:35:49Z

I have a bad, bad attitude of late. The hormones are working me over pretty good. I cry – not just a lot or a tear here or there – I wail; pour forth rivers. It’s usually my own shortcomings that trigger the emotional avalanche. Adele asks me “Why are you sad? Why is your face wet?”

I haven’t been a very good mom and it makes me sad knowing that each ugly day that passes is one less day I get with just me and Dell. Not that I’m too overly burdened with this thought, I just don’t want my girl’s last days as an “only” child being miserable.

She’s at a tough age (nearly 3) and while she tries to sort out her place in this world, I’m working on a “project” that will surely rock it all the way to hell and back. I try to console myself with the thought that my bad attitude is symptomatic of all the change my body is enduring; that my outlook isn’t chronic but such is a short-lived consolation. When she talks back, throws a fit, or ignores me, my temper is less controlled than it has been in quite some time (on a regular basis) and anger bubbles over and out. It’s ugly and embarrassing.

Bedtime here has been an absolute nightmare (by our standards). Tonight we reorganized our approach and I am relieved to say that it worked. It may not tomorrow but one night free from the wildness brought on by teeth brushing feels like a holy miracle.

After cleaning up, to kick off the evening ritual, we play classical music, light a candle and have tea “together” at the table – she has warm milk. Then she does her bathroom stuff. THEN if we all survive, she can choose 2 stories, one of which each of us reads to her in our bed. None of this is too new really, except for tea; we just switched the order of things to give her fewer opportunities to screw up. This whole notion of parent-child posturing is unbelievable. It takes a lot of work to manipulate situations so that the child can achieve success. She needs to know what it feels like to “perform” the part of someone who succeeds – in hopes of making it a script. Parenting is humbling, mentally taxing and just plum hard work. I want a raise.

There are days when I tremble from the fear that my daughter/s will come to see me as I see my own mother…or worse that I will indeed become that woman…screaming, chasing, wielding wooden cooking utensils then absent, forlorn and more absent until there’s the screaming, chasing, spoons, sadness and absence again. I have zero faith that she and I will ever have the kind of relationship either of us would like to have with the other. Neither of us, I imagine, can get beyond our own shame and regret to be that present with each other.

I love my mom because I imagine that at some point in her life she must have loved me the same way I love Adele. I must do better by my own girls. It’s too easy to lose your way once the momentum is interrupted.

At 34 weeks pregnant, I feel lonely, bitter and a touch mad. The loneliness isn’t about needing or wanting a specific kind of attentiveness but rather to be seen as something other than a walking (barely) human incubator. It’s impossible, I know. I can’t escape the machine that is pregnancy so how can I expect others to look beyond it?

I don’t feel the need to shore up a larger network as I did a few months ago. In fact, “pruning” has proven fruitful as it should. It’s as if I can see clearer who was present all along. So the loneliness isn’t from a lack of a network but rather from being so apart from myself. I think I miss my body more than anything else. I didn’t realize how well it worked and I can’t wait for me to be *just me* again.

The bitterness and madness are really more obstacles in married life than anywhere else. Bill got his hair cut by a new gal and when he didn’t quickly describe her as “huge and white”, I felt a pang of worry. He made a point to say she was *really* skinny and while a brunette NOT brown. It didn’t help. Here I am – larger than *2 LIVES* and his body, while a tad older, is still the same I came to love 11 years ago. I feel massive and terribly unappealing and it crosses my mind that should his eyes be drawn to appreciate another woman, I couldn’t blame him. Whatever - of course, I could and I would.

As he said to me later, he knows *this* (my pregnant body) is his fault. I may be growing this kid but I didn’t plant her. I appreciate his “accountability” but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m a vastly different body this very moment than the one he fell in love with…emphasis on “vastly” of course. I don’t care whether I lose weight fast after the birth; I just want the pain of being larger than 2 lives to go away.

I know there are women who say pregnancy is wonderful but they were probably deluded beforehand anyway - I think pregnancy is rotten and terribly unjust. I agree that it’s not too bad - till the last inning or so. The final stretch is absurd…every aspect of it is absurd. For me, pain sears in places it hadn’t, stuff leaks, sentiments are misleading, stuff swells, sleep becomes the most fickle it’s ever been, sex is an absolute spectacle and time becomes both best friend and worst foe.

Oh and another thing – being pregnant during a presidential campaign season makes pregnant hormones - increasingly and incredibly volatile. Speeches make me weepy; commentary makes me rage, and suddenly personal ethics are more salient than ever. Normally, words or ideas remotely related to “ethics” make me cringe a little…but something about being pregnant this election heightens all that is normally nonsense – perhaps in the name of some biological or evolutionary survival mode. I have an unusually visceral reaction to people supporting Palin...sigh…that’s all I should say for now. It’s important to rest tonight.

33 weeks

2008-09-04T07:19:54Z

Things seem to happen in forgettable blips these days but the overwhelming tone of life is very good. In a few weeks, I’ll have 2 girls who will help to fill my days with beauty, wonder and gratitude. It’s hard to believe there could even be more! Sometimes I fear I love Adele too much…so often my heart feels it may burst because of her. Elise’s arrival is much anticipated on many fronts and I look forward to the dimension her soul will bring to our family. She is hanging out low and I often underestimate how cumbersome a belly this size is, especially when I sit on the ground to pull weeds or work on my little edging project. Minutes after rising, I’m startled at the discomfort. But I don’t stop…I still need to feel useful…and I still need at least 30 minutes in the sun, even if we’re in the triple digits. I’m exhausted and anxious – a terribly uncomfortable way to be. I console myself with knowing that once Elise is here and we’re home, an amazing adventure will be had by all. I can’t deny that I have tremendous fear of the c-section and the recovery. I can only hope my OB likes prescribing drugs as much as I like taking them.