Thoughts are things

It has been a busy 48 hours.

Yesterday morning we met E & R at Desert Breeze Park for a “play-date” to which I admit I am decidedly averse. “Play-dates” are pretty stressful for me as I feel that I am not only establishing boundaries for my child in a new environment but forced to accommodate whatever other boundaries the other parent employs. It’s far too much negotiating for my taste but a good exercise in theory, I suppose. The girls, to my great surprise, played delightfully well after getting re-acquainted. I’m not sure what it is exactly but they were more gentle and sweet and engaged than I imagined possible. It was wonderful! Desert Breeze Park is a gorgeous place. There are ducks, a train and swings overlooking a little lake, a large covered play area and a splash pad. We didn’t stay to get wet but I’m really looking forward to going back.

We had lunch at S’s home which was filled with awesome kids’ stuff. I realized that having kids over to our home may be less stressful if we had more of an environment conducive to play that didn’t require so much supervision. I’d like to shop around the thrift shops and yard sales for some fun outdoor play equipment. S lent me 2 new books and invited me to join her book club. I’m looking forward to that.

In the evening, courtesy of J & A, we all got to enjoy the Diamondbacks v Giants game, with some of their family & wedding crew. It was Adele’s first ball game so we hyped it up quite a bit beforehand and we had a total BLAST! I forgot how much I love baseball…and how much I miss it. Justin Upton, RF, is from Norfolk and even though his performance wasn’t so hot last night, I was absolutely bursting with hometown pride. I want to explore ways to see more games because I think this could be a great family hobby. I’d love to get the girl started early on a passion that doesn’t involve white women in princess dresses.

This morning, we all had doctors’ appointments. Unfortunately, we had to cancel one set in order to get the Saturn serviced, but more on that in a sec. I saw my doc for Baby 2 and all the tests look good so far. I’ve lost one pound in the last month and my blood pressure is great. I even got the okay to drink as much caffeine as I want. My OB is using Oct 21 as the official due date and said we can probably plan to do the c-section anytime after Oct 14 but that we’d decide in August. At the next appointment, we’ll learn the sex. I’d like to have a name chosen by then.

Adele had a fabulous visit to the pediatrician. She freaked out, as expected, when the assistant went to weigh and measure her. She’s 26 lbs, 34.75 inches and still has a big head. I think that the charts said 25th percentile for weight, 45th for height and 90th for her head. But this time, her experience with the doctor was much more pleasant than in the past. He could approach her without her wailing in fear and even was able to do the entire exam without a struggle. It was great. She did though have to get a shot. I held her but couldn’t watch the needle go into her. According to Bill, she was fine with the poke, it was the burning sensation that accompanied the actual vaccine injection that brought us both (me & Adele) to tears. She screamed in my ear and we both cried for a good 5 minutes, she in actual pain and me feeling awful for inflicting it upon her. Apparently we still have the arrival of her molars to look forward to.

We had to cancel the other medical appointment as the Saturn needed to be serviced. Since Bill took the day to help us out, we chose to take care of the shuddering in the lower gears this afternoon. We have a 2007 Saturn Vue, manual transmission, 4-cylinder with 14k miles. We noticed a shudder in the lower gears about 2 weeks ago. It’s a good thing we didn’t wait any longer because we apparently need a new clutch. A new clutch at 14k miles?! Fortunately the car is still under warranty. They got us a rental and we were told the car should be ready tomorrow. We’re now driving an automatic 2007 Pontiac G6. I got a little excited about driving a 6-cylinder but it’s a big let down. I think it’s partly the automatic transmission but I think it’s also just not as impressive as I expected.

We ended the day shopping a sale at Kohl’s. We didn’t get anything special, just stuff we needed. Bill got new much needed clothes, as well as heavily anticipated comforter thing. Adele got a new blanket. Even though it’s nice not to come home with crap I have no homes for, it’s also sort of a let-down when the most exciting things I got to open were socks & shower rings. The perk though is that we get to go back with the “Kohl’s cash” we “earned.” I have my eye on some new luggage for our trip back east at the start of summer.

Food:
We ate at Chase ball field and it was such a treat. I had nachos & cheese with chunky hot peppers as well as cotton candy. It was fun food! We ate breakfast at McD’s which is a rare treat. I have to say that the regular iced coffee is pretty darn good though the flavored stuff is bit of a sugar overkill. We ate at Appleby’s this afternoon and though I generally don’t care much for the food, I like how they have a pick & choose menu that is supposedly portion friendly. We didn’t get dessert but I think the “shot” concept is brilliant.

The next 72 hours will be busy too. I’ve got a slew of things to ship for ebay auctions ending tomorrow. I also need to assemble J & A’s wedding gift, find something to wear and work on their reading. Friday is their rehearsal & dinner. Saturday we pick up the cake and “drive cautiously” to deliver it to the venue then hopefully make it pretty with some fresh flowers. I’m very excited for this wedding. I’ve known A for many years and this union is one I am extremely excited about – I’m glad we’re here to be a part of the festivities!

I mentioned some health stuff in a previous post and just wanted to report that all’s well. Not boring you with the details - In one case, it turns out new labs *can* make a huge difference in whether you’re “sick” or not. In the other, we’ve made an informed decision and we are taking action that goes against our doctor’s (and the generally accepted medical field’s) recommendation. We are well aware that everyone’s job will be a little tougher as a result but we would rather the complications be predictable and difficult than sudden & devastating. So baby 2, whenever you’re ready…so are we.

Stuff’s going on but a silver lining is how impressed I am this moment with our managed health care. I got standard labs drawn Monday at the OB’s. By Wednesday, I received a call from the Nurse Practitioner indicating that such and such was good, such and the other was not, and “who’s your Primary Care Physician?” Friday, my PCP called to set up the details for treating “such and the other.” Saturday, I walked into the PCP’s office, let them take more blood and was out of there in 15 minutes. Without trying to sound ridiculously upbeat, I am envisioning that last week’s grief will surrender to this week’s hope.

Saw the doc that saw us through Adele’s pregnancy and I can’t say that I’m thrilled at what she had to say. She removed the IUD and then she advised waiting 3 months before we try for baby 2. Her reasoning has to do with a thin uterine lining (a product of the IUD). She also wants me to be on prenatal pills at least 3 months before we conceive. I’m a little sad and disappointed plus I think she’s being too cautious. I really thought we could be pregnant at the start of the new year and was taken aback by her recommendation that we wait to try. I’m considering getting a second opinion though I guess I could look at the extra lead in time as the last call to shed some extra weight. (For the record, I’m 6 pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant with Adele but a little extra can’t hurt).

The doc also said that she felt all the complications we experienced during Adele’s birth were due to prolonged induction, not hypertension. She didn’t say that the times we asked before and there’s a part of me that wonders if she might be handling us with extra care since we may be more inclined to speak up if things don’t seem right. We weren’t able to voice our concerns last year – we simply had no idea what was happening while we were in the hospital or why. We had new doctors and new nurses every 3 hours, it seemed, due to the haphazard holiday staff scheduling and no one seemed to care whether we were on hour 2 or 42 of the process.

Bottom line – need to get prenatal pills and do some research on my own. I’ve never been a fan of following doctors’ orders and I’m still not.

What inspired this lovely and very, very clean view?




( An excerpt of potentially tmi from a note I sent to a friend )

On weight: still steady at 10 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight but I’ve noticed a pattern recently: I think I eat when there’s something I need to say to someone and don’t/haven’t/can’t. Even if I don't know exactly what to say but do know I should be saying something, food fills that disconnect.

Would love to lose another 10-20 before getting pregnant again but that seems pretty unlikely. I did find information that said PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension) is a condition experienced in a lot of first pregnancies and does not necessarily indicate it will be experienced in subsequent ones. Yay - there's hope of avoiding "the mag"!

Doc said he’s not sure but is treating my pain as if it started as a strain in my neck. I’m a little loopy on the muscle-relaxer and pain pills but not necessarily sleepy as warned. The pain persists though slightly dulled and I find myself able to be more productive than I’ve felt in a long while. I got rid of 3 big bins of recyclables and managed to find a home for quite a few things. I even made and sent care packages to arrive in time, I hope, for Halloween.

Speaking of which, we’re planning to participate this year by having Dell get dressed up and give candy out. She’ll wear her flower girl dress and flower halo. Then with wings and a few more sparkling touches, she’ll be a fairy of sorts. Maybe next year, we’ll go door to door though I’ve noticed there are many events on Halloween night for kids of which we may take advantage. I’m not sure I’ve ever bought candy to give away as an adult; such has been how long I’ve participated in T-or-Ting. I didn’t want to get chocolate because I worried about it melting and I didn’t want to get anything too sugar heavy so I opted for fruit roll ups, pretzels and candy corn. We won’t be the most popular house on the block but it’s a start.

Dell's cough seems to be improving slightly and mine continues and worsens at night. Chloroseptic drops have helped me and the humidifier has helped Dell. I can't wait for us both to be well.

This fall has felt unrelenting. I’ve loved this season but I’m exhausted (so exhausted even that buying holiday gifts is looking appealing). I find myself waffling between what feels better and what feels worse than before. My body still aches and my cough sounds pretty bad but doesn’t seem that bad. Maybe I’ve just gotten use to it. The illness Adele developed over our travels east has reprised itself and with all the controversy over infant cough & cold medicine, I feel a bit unprepared for the next few days. I’m a big fan of the little strips, as is she and I’m not sure I’ll be heeding to a tee all the latest advice. We did buy chicken noodle soup and I am really trying to baby/comfort her more. When she woke in the wee hours, she wanted her Daddy and that sort of makes it hard to comfort her when she doesn’t want it from me. I guess I grow a tad resentful but I’m too tired to stress over it right now.

She vomited a bit yesterday and I think it was good for her to purge but now I fret anytime she starts a coughing fit. I am trying too to be more mindful of what goes into her system, should I happen to have to see it again. She and I are both taking Vitamin C effervescent tablets that Dr. Bill prescribed. They are fun and fizzy so not too awful. The anti sanitizer is close at hand and I’ve lysoled everything I can think of that matters. The humidifier has created a comforting eucalyptus scented haze and I think it’s really working. She’s a total snot factory but keeping up with it is making me a little nutty. Every 5 minutes, there’s a sneeze and/or a silvery trail to clean up after. She looks like one of those painfully disheveled children I quietly pull her away from when we’re in public. A few things though have made this morning bearable:

Putting out the Halloween decorations (to which she responded with much glee: “Oh scary stuff!)

The Wiggles were on the View (to which she coughed and half-jigged happily)

On occasion she coughs particularly hard and then a big smile spreads across her face and she points to her bum, to let me know in case I missed it: “Toot!”

Good Ideas: I’m a little overwhelmed at how much stuff I have to do to keep the house in order and I’m finding myself getting really beat down by the crud every day. I’m contemplating making an executive decision about stuff. I think we should each have 1 bowl, plate, mug and glass and no more. We’ll start being responsible for our own dishes and cleaning them as we go. I’ll hide the rest of the dishes for company and so no one can sabotage my plan. I’ve got to be more clever about how to best keep things in order…I feel like I lose daily and then start each new day with a deficit. When you’re behind the odds in one form or fashion, I think it’s easier to feel that way about more than less of the things in your life and I don’t like it. So I want to change it.

Oh feeling much improved today! The pain seems to have retreated back into my right shoulder and while it still persists, I am feeling so much better in so many ways!

Adele amazes me…she’ll be 2 in December and her grasp of the world around her grows every moment and I’ve really no idea how. I suppose I actively try to teach her some things (Bill more than me) but more often than not, I just do and occasionally explain my behavior. I just now put new batteries into the camera and watching me, she commented: “Batteries…take picture…camera?” A-mazing.

She asks often “How are you?” with a maturity that seems to suggest she knows precisely the nature of her question.

Then she starts running in circles, hollering about the Wiggles, grapes, Super Why, and/or soup-a.

I had a student in one of my classes who had fibromyalgia and lupus. She was bright and serious and always wore an expression that looked like she was either in pain or a drug-induced distant land. I remember pitying her…but I don’t remember feeling much compassion toward her. I’m not sure I knew the distinction till now. I couldn’t really relate to the idea of being in chronic physical pain so I think I doubted the reality of it. She was older than me and I remember respecting her life experience but feeling pangs of skepticism whenever she claimed a “flare up” was keeping her home or from participating in class. Now, after just a few days of unrelenting physical pain, I totally know better.

I woke Thursday or Friday morning with soreness in my right shoulder. Despite not wanting to and due to lack of time, I popped 2 aleve, moved quickly on my way and the pain seemed to subside. I was distracted enough by M’s wedding festivities to worry too much over a little ache. Distraction is the best medicine I can think of at this point for almost any ailment. Since then, the pain has spread across my neck and upper back to the other shoulder. Bill thinks it’s the toxins from the bronchitis finally working their way out coupled with the body catching up to 3.5 weeks of full body coughing.

I could barely move this morning when I woke and had hardly a drop of energy for the smallest things. Poor Adele, she’s had Sick Mommy far longer than any child deserves. I’ve tried ice, heat, aspirin, a pain pill left over from the c-section, tequila, massage, scraping, stretching and breathing exercises and nothing’s worked.

I spent (more) time today scouring the web for suggestions to relieve the pain as well as for possible indications of other/further illness. I finally found something that worked, albeit for short amounts of time only, but I could do it myself (though an extra set of hands is always sweet). I’d been reminded of cupping and coining and wanted something akin to either of these methods. I can’t do those alone but I did find a massage technique I can manage solo. It employs pinching and pulling the affected areas. Just one pinch and pull session, coupled with the intent to elongate my neck, allowed me to have increased mobility and less pain. I have to keep at it because no other potential remedy *remedied* like this one. Bill did 2 sessions tonight and I feel so much more present and well. I’m not looking forward to sleeping because I’m not looking forward to waking but I’m happy I may have found something to get me through what I hope is short lived.

I was in a pretty foul mood yesterday but I felt downright miserable this morning. I always underestimate the power of physical health and how it can really make or break my approach to the everyday. I suppose one adapts to the pain eventually but the likelihood of my adapting anytime soon seemed so improbable. I’ve had to take it “easy” for weeks now and I’m starting to get ancy for yardwork, furniture moving, painting. Imagining not being able to move concrete pavers, drag bookshelves around or giving the house a new incarnation makes me very unhappy. But not being able to pick Adele up, run around the house or bend over for kisses has made me sad and a little scared. What *if* there is a day when the things I do aren’t things I do anymore?

I had “walking pneumonia” 7 years ago and having bronchitis now seems all too soon to be sick again. After this sick stint and after having a minor asthma attack this summer I’m finding myself extra concerned about anything that might get me and my family sick. I know we need more rest and to eat more whole kinds of foods. We also need more exercise. I also feel overly protective about our environment, whether it’s at the house or on the move. I don’t want to be sick like this ever or at least not for a very long time. So some things I’ll be better at doing more regularly are:

Exercising with the family
Eating together
Changing the air filter once a month
Keeping the windows closed more
Filling the tub with bleach water once a week and cleaning things (dish stand, kid stuff, oft handled things)
Protecting my face when dusting/doing heavy cleaning
Keeping floors & surfaces cleaner
Taking zinc at the first sign of illness
Drinking more tea
Finding more ways to relax
Keeping everyone’s hands clean
Avoiding smokers
Avoiding sickies

Some of the things that seem to be helping me to recover are:
Sleep
Music
Lemon-cayanne-cider vinegar & honey “tea”
Hot showers
Steam from a boiling pot on stove
Humidifier with eucalyptus
Gargling with salt water (if salt gathers at the bottom, too much salt)
Liquor
Prickly heat powder
Massages (w. Arnica and/or yamong/tiger balm)
Chloroseptic (lozenges)
Prednisone
Codeine
Mucinex

To be frank, I think a weak body is oft times a sign of a weak mind. I’ve been negligent and my entire system has been paying for it. Being sick is a sign of my own personal failure. I think I really need to pay closer attention to the mind-body connection in order not to be again where I’ve been for the past 3 weeks.

I feel like the Universe is willing me to gorge and it’s using Bill as its evil minion. The first week of my trip back east was marked by the size of my pants. I was parenting solo and found myself on the "Della Diet" which meant I couldn't finish any meal since I alone was tending to her. I needed to tighten my belt an extra notch by week’s end. I felt like I was on a rejuvenating vacation from bad foods. Then enter my husband.

Bill joined me the second leg of the trip and I suddenly felt famished the entire time I was with him. And even now since we’ve been home, I feel like I haven’t been able to come close to quelling my appetite. Part of all the haphazardness I’m sure is bound up in the bronchitis but still I feel my appetite is making me behave very irresponsibly.

The Universe was especially cruel last night. We ordered pizza and hot wings online from Papa Johns. 45 minutes later I realized I accidentally asked for it to be carry out instead of delivery. I called and asked them to please deliver it. Due to some kind of freshness policy, they remade the entire order AND sent us *2* pizzas and *2* boxes of wings. 24 hours later and we polished off every bit of it. Unreal.

Mmmmm….pizza.

I'm still sick. I felt much improved yesterday - even with a slight hangover but woke this morning feeling not so swell.

M's wedding is about 24 hours away now! We've been busy. A girls day was had on Tuesday, the shower last night, and the rehearsal's tonight. It's been an affirming experience thus far - especially in reminding me how much I really enjoy being married!

For the girls' day, there was a little lunch reception here at the house with lots of little bites and margaritas. Then we went to Bamboo Club for more eats and more drinks then to Oregano's for more drinks and a pazookie. A favorite student working at O's stopped to say hi which made me very happy. Della's been pretty easy throughout the chaos...she's such an awesome kid.

The prognosis is good...Dr. Cooper (who I delighted in thinking was actually named Dr. Pooper until I read the paperwork later and learned otherwise) said I have bronchitis and am in the early stages of pneumonia but may very well be back in business in a few days if I do as I'm told. Before the trip to Urgentcare, Dr. Bill tried more home remedies even though he suspected such was the case as well. We did slippery elm, mustard packs, eucalyptus, echinacea, vitamin c, mucinex, robitussin, steam/baths, teas. On my own, I tried whiskey, aleve and chloroseptic. Some stuff worked initially but the relief was short lived.

It's been in my system for 2 weeks but she seemed to think singing in M's wedding Friday is still feasible (so don't write me out of the program yet MiMi!)

I've taken the drugs and I feel more energy now than I have in days and I'm trying to contain myself and rest as directed. It didn't help that we got caught up laughing our asses off at funny animals and laughing babies on YouTube. The uplift was necessary but I think I may have pulled something from all that hooting and snorting!

Finally. Home.

So many things I should write but the stories are still swimming in fragments. As always, family educates and this visit was no exception. There are so many perspectives on home and family that I keep shuffling, trying to comprehend and shape in ways to be useful. Need to try and tie some thoughts together before they flit away.

We're barely unpacked. Stuff is strewn happily and haphazardly across the floors. It's good to be home. I've been doing the things I only can do here - strut nude, sleep in the tub and lounge on the floor in front of the tube. Speaking of which, cable appears to be $10 a month - is that right? That seems like a deal! We had cable everywhere we were this trip and it was great! Then for the latter part of the trip, our little chevy cobalt rental had xm radio which was TOO COOL! Anytime I felt overstimulated and felt I maybe needed a dose of the "real world," I felt I could just escape to the car! Cable, XM...we're still perusing the sky mall catalog so I'm in total want mode. Still sick...it's in our chests says Dr. Bill who brought me Mucinex and vitamin c today. Want to be well enough to enjoy dear M's wedding next week so I may have some heavy healing on the weekend agenda.

4 out of town guests in 6 weeks has taken its toll - my tongue's telling me so.

Honestly though, I don't really feel stressed this moment. One thing having guests has taught me is that we have access to pretty diverse and nifty experiences...and that we should definitely spend more time treating ourselves as well as we (think we) do our company.

Dell and I got back into a semi-regular routine yesterday and after picking up Bill, we spent a lovely Friday evening at the Chandler mall. We mainly played in the kid's area (formerly known as the "germ pit") and I think all 3 of us received a valuable lesson in socialization (not to mention in plain ol' fashion consideration):

Avoid tempting others to covet your personal property by being discreet with your goodies: this means go to the play area *before* you go to Build-A-Bear or McDonalds's. I felt bad for both the haves and the have nots running around the rubber lifesize condiments...one set spent all of their time trying to preserve the beauty of their brand new build-a-bears and the other set were scrambling to save abandoned fries from the ground. Bill said it best: "Not much changes, does it?"

Every night at 8p, my PDA now reminds me that it's "Last Call - EAT NOW!" Tonight (so far) I'm drinking lots of water and hoping to head off the late night craving for popcorn and chocolate. Exercised a lot yesterday - running errands and walking more. Tonight, the neighbor's grapefruit tree was full of blossoms so I jogged happily around the backyard inhaling the citrusy goodness.

Good stuff - Greek salads, black bean soup, salsamole, whole wheat toast with apple butter, whole pita toasts, whole wheat warmed tortillas with honey & cinnamon, carrots, apples, sugarfree cocoa, lots of water.

Bad stuff - tonight I/we were bad :McD's chicken tenders, fries, cheeseburger and vanilla milkshake (but I walked after!)

The last few weeks have been hectic with food and exercise. Instead of walking 30 minutes everyday, I've been working in the yard, painting, etc. Instead of eating as I should have been, I was taking in some good stuff but more of the bad (alcohol, chimichangas, creamy desserts, taco bell, baked cheese, etc.)

We got back on track this week and aside from some late nite nibbles on dark chocolate, I'm feeling better.

For TODAY
Good choices:
Breakfast - Whole wheat toast with apple butter

Snack 1 - carrots and apples

Supper - Whole wheat pita toasts with really spicy "salsamole" (I underestimate peppers)
Whole wheat tortilla and turkey wrap with mustard, peppers, onions, romaine and a dab of honey

Snack 2 - air popped popcorn

Beverages - peppermint tea, coffee with cinnamon, H2O, 6 oz oj

Poor choices:
Lunch - Whole wheat bread with turkey and (lots of) havarti, mustard and honey

Eating a slice of cheddar at 11:30pm with a 2oz dark chocolate chaser

Not taking in enough water - goal is to need to pee every hour

Even though it's a bit more than I wanted to lose, my goal is to lose 5 lbs per month till October (I'll need to be fitting into a black cocktail dress by then!)

I thought it worth mentioning that at some point in Mexico my tongue felt reborn. Maybe it was the water...maybe it was the tequila.

Bill thinks the irises are toxic.

They are very fragrant and I love them but I've been having startling visions of scary men and he thinks they may be to blame. One scary man was in the house and the other was standing outside the front window.

I've also been hearing certain sounds in unusual ways. What sounded like metal clanging coming from the kitchen was actually a big ball rubbing against Adele's bare leg - who was right next to me. What sounded like an industrial machine tapping on the roof was actually Max's long claws striking the floor as he paced around the house.

My body has been exhibiting signs of unusual stress too. The rash on the top of the tongue...it's on the sides now. It hurts to talk. I'm in a bit of a mood as a result.

Tonight Bill said this about Della, which I found uplifting: "I'm so impressed with her. I never thought I would be like this. I'm impressed with children." Tangentially, I've been thinking a lot about adoption and I'm thinking it may not be a bad idea for us sometime down the road.

Driving the Vue has been an interesting experience. I feel a little self-conscious, having now joined the ranks of people with "big wheels." I felt like I was in a weird competition as I drove around today...as if my compact SUV was supposed to prove something. I don't feel as anonymous as I did with the sedan. I confess though - playing with the windows helps.

Tonight's episode of Criminal Minds was thought provoking...What if PTSD manifested itself in combat veterans with more frequency and intensity? What kind of perspective would society develop about war if they/we knew the soldiers who fight our war bring it back home; bring it into the home? One character said something like: "War - it's about the one thing that humans have managed to do with great consistency." The episode ended with a quote that went something like this: "If there must be trouble, let it be in my time so that my children may have peace."

This is the third day in a row that one of the new neighbor kids came over to ask for their soccer ball. I said I'd throw it over. There were FIVE soccer balls AND a deflated football (the other day it was just a soccer ball plus a SHOE.) I'd let them go into the backyard themselves if I knew the dogs wouldn't eat them...hmmm - that might be one way to keep the balls on their side of the wall.