Thoughts are things

I used to think the main reason life in Arizona was better than life “back east” was due to the 3k mile wide buffer between us & our families. This visit I see there’s *much* more to it than that. Being far from family has its benefits, no doubt, but there are a host of other factors making life in Arizona seem luxurious by comparison.

Note - I admit that I do have a terrible habit of first considering the external as a direct reflection of the internal. Shakespeare’s “analysis” and representation of Richard III, I suppose…perhaps the only bit that stuck from a Histories & Tragedies class. I no longer use a person’s appearance as the sole criteria of my evaluation...usually but I’ve judged “here” versus “there” and I’m fascinated by the outcome. It’s hard not to infer further from my observations of the physical but I’ve tried.

So I’m in Virginia right now visiting “my” people. I lived here for about 17 years - 12 in Hampton Roads and 5 in Williamsburg. I don’t remember hating it but I definitely never loved it. I remember hurricanes, light falling of snow, wearing a wool trench, and lightening bugs. I remember the beach, the humidity, the smell of fresh cut grass and the sight and scent of chimneys burning.

My memories are overcome by my present day observations. The sky seems insignificant here and the sun weak. I find the trees suffocating. I find the earth’s proliferation of things spouting from its grounds sloppy, haphazard and excessive. It strikes me slightly as some sort of topographical gluttony. The weather is not only unpredictable but uncertain of its performance. The roads, much like the weather, seem troubled. They wind, they narrow, they curve, they dip…and this just to get to the end of the lane! After living in Arizona the last 8 years, I think I have a much keener sense of how my environment can either enhance or complicate my life. In my quest to simplify, I definitely don’t foresee moving east again.

My wardrobe is a lot simpler in PHX where the rare accumulation of rainfall dominates the local news and the heat permits great leniency in dress. The roads are laid in a grid and when I need to get my bearings, the mountains and the sun are always an accessible place to start. I can barely locate the sun let alone any permanent natural indicators of direction here. While not fans of AZ’s bees, ants and flies, they are nothing compared to the ticks, spiders and mosquitoes here. By these pests, I’ve already been bitten, forced indoors and chased out of my bed.

Nature may seem a little harsher in the desert but there’s a lot to be said for how she’s at least not fickle. Of course I'm rarely surprised by the sudden violent but exciting shaking of tree leaves and I don’t see deer in the front lawn, baby foxes cross the road, or newborn robins on my window ledge in AZ but I believe I’d rather count on seeing the sun anyway.

Phoenix feels deliberate, determined and decisive. I love how nearly any day of the year, I can probably smell someone’s grill, find north, get a full dose of Vitamin D, and count on wearing flip flops anywhere I need to go. If nothing else, journeying east is a good reminder that time in AZ has been, and should continue to be, well spent.

We spent the day at Heritage Park for the Arizona Asian Festival. We arrived early so we wandered around a bit. We could have left contented after the first 20 minutes as we had one of those experiences that can make any outing worthwhile. Nestled between 2 of the historic buildings were narrow rows of flowers and we met with this little one who was having a late breakfast. I thought we’d scare it away but it allowed us to stay for several minutes. It even flew so that it was directly before us at eye level at one point. It was pretty magical sharing that small space together. It made my day that it seemed to feel safe enough to stay.

We picked up the Toyota Scion from the F Family in North Phx Wednesday night. The car is modest in size but packs a surprising punch in pick up for a 4-cylinder. As a stick, I thoroughly enjoyed driving it though I felt that much of the time I was driving a toy in a BIG like movie. After spending 25 hours or so in it to travel 1500 miles, I sort of miss the little fella.



Bill rigged up the GPS which turned out to be the most critical & enjoyable tool for the trip, next to the Blackberry. I left shortly after 6am Thursday morning and arrived in Riverside at about 1130. Driving through Arizona was breathtaking - it really humbles me to call this great place home.







California was equally as lovely but as I saw so much more of it than AZ, I was intrigued at the variety of topographical features dotting my way. If I didn’t know better I would swear I saw the exact location of where the Teletubbies “live.” The land seemed to rise in uneven but glorious mounds and I felt each was alive and larger than life. I felt like I was in Lilliput of the Gulliver’s Travels story and that his heaving body was lying all around me. The 60 over to Riverside was very unique – all twisty and curvy between green mounds of land on both sides. I felt I had an out-of-US-body experience for a few moments, arriving perhaps in a place where Celtic tales first were told. It was short-lived but memorable.







After Riverside, I ran into cows. The sight of what seemed like millions of them was absurd and though the stench was hardly funny, I couldn’t keep from laughing at how insane the sea of them seemed to be. I felt out of my element, being so outnumbered. Despite being familiar with cows, the number of them grouped in one place was overwhelming and actually stressed me out a little. I wondered about them being slaughtered and felt terribly guilty for the amazing burger I’d heartily consumed a few hours earlier. But later the smell of skunk struck me as oddly comforting and I fell out of my guilt.

I brought music but found that books on CD were a pretty entertaining way to pass the hours, next to taking pictures with one hand. I went to the library at the last minute and the pickings were slim. I listened to a crappy love story by Nicholas Sparks called _A Bend in the Road_ which made me cry because a young mom dies and I thought a dog was gonna get shot but overall it was pretty lame. I also listened to Nora Ephron’s _I Feel Bad About my Neck_ which was thoroughly enjoyable even though I may not be its target audience. I skipped around to giggle at parts of _Eats, Shoots and Leaves_ but grew too bored of British accents to finish it.

I developed a headache and thought it must simply be the event of driving longer than usual in unfamiliar terrain. As the sun set, I realized though that it was the heat and brightness beating on me that caused my brain to ache. In the west, there’s no escaping the sun which seems to offer a particularly long day before it seems willing to finally set. I passed Weed, CA and I laughed - wondering what people do there when they’re bored.

Oregon was incredibly inspiring with its bright green hills and crisp cool air. I could see myself buying a cow, some chickens and a plot of land and staying put forever in what seemed like the forgotten patch of Promised Land. My only reservation would be getting gas there. After I spent the night in Ashland (where the oldest man in Holiday Inn history – Walter - took 45 minutes to check me in at midnight, hunting and pecking my name & address into the computer), I fueled up in the morning. When I opened my car door, a young bearded man was leaning on the car and said “What can I do for you?” I looked up for the “self” sign and said “I can’t pump this myself?” I grilled him when he told me no and learned that it was state law (along with NJ) to have attendants pump the gas. I still didn’t believe it so I took my card in to be sure. Then I was very anxious about whether I should tip and decided I shouldn’t. My friend told me that since Portland is so close to the WA border, it’s hard to remember that the law is different there. He said the first time he fueled up across state lines, he sat in his car, waiting and waiting…

After an entire day's worth of steady showers and gray skies, shortly before dusk, these burst through. So close were these, in fact, that I couldn't fit the entire rainbows, stretching west to east just to the north of us, in a single frame. The primary arc was so vibrant. The secondary arc wasn't fooling around either. Adele and I got slightly drenched in the cold lingering drizzle. It was a very purifying experience being able to observe these just as they began appearing, reached maximum intensity and finally fade. It was humbling but exhilarating.

Finally. Home.

So many things I should write but the stories are still swimming in fragments. As always, family educates and this visit was no exception. There are so many perspectives on home and family that I keep shuffling, trying to comprehend and shape in ways to be useful. Need to try and tie some thoughts together before they flit away.

We're barely unpacked. Stuff is strewn happily and haphazardly across the floors. It's good to be home. I've been doing the things I only can do here - strut nude, sleep in the tub and lounge on the floor in front of the tube. Speaking of which, cable appears to be $10 a month - is that right? That seems like a deal! We had cable everywhere we were this trip and it was great! Then for the latter part of the trip, our little chevy cobalt rental had xm radio which was TOO COOL! Anytime I felt overstimulated and felt I maybe needed a dose of the "real world," I felt I could just escape to the car! Cable, XM...we're still perusing the sky mall catalog so I'm in total want mode. Still sick...it's in our chests says Dr. Bill who brought me Mucinex and vitamin c today. Want to be well enough to enjoy dear M's wedding next week so I may have some heavy healing on the weekend agenda.

Who: Bill, Adele and me with various factions of our families (my extended, his immediate and extended)

We're having an eventful time...

Currently in Kutztown, PA…where even a radio signal is hard to keep so finding wireless has been a D-R-E-A-M!

It's frigging COLD up here.

I'm still sick – with no voice and I may very well be dying, it sure sounds like I am after night falls. Dell is in good spirits but burdened with quite the ugly cough

Rental car was vandalized during our stay in York, PA…classified as a “hit and run” (sounds worse than it was) - what a story that is!

Dell was a doll in her Grammy’s wedding…once we get the meatball sauce out of her dress, it may even be re-wearable!

I’m exhausted...but good...

So much to say...too sick to say it (but not to see it.) :(

Who: Dell and me
What: Visiting Hampton

Cable TV *is* vacation! In the wee hours, when Adele woke rather pleasantly but viciously early, I headed toward the much loved and leaned on tried and true portrait of reliability: the TV. I forgot my Dad has cable so I happily settled in with Adele to make an event of channel surfing. I learned I couldn’t find my much adored HGTV so we watched Animal Planet. Miami Animal Police is a bit much for me but some program about the Japanese macaque that later followed was impressive. These “snow monkeys” *learned* how to enjoy hot springs when it became too cold…and are supposedly one of, if not the first species of animals outside of humans to prove that they transmit learned behaviors. I think they learned how to enjoy sweet potatoes by “salting” it too. They are such cute things! More here I think: http://japundit.com/archives/2006/02/01/1934/ I could make a vacation out of a couch, coffee, the computer and cable. Maybe next time we consider leaving the region, we’ll just go up the street.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, the F22’s have been busy. Luckily the planes don’t scare Adele and every time she hears them, she rushes to the door and says: “Airplane – UP – in the sky!” She wants to be held up and closer to them. Grandpa obliges her nearly every time. They’ve gotten along famously although I hear she isn’t a fan of the garage or the shed, fighting him when he had her out and about in the yard. They took the mile long walk this morning to get the paper. Adele insisted on being “helpful” by helping to hold Ella, the dog, on her leash as they walked.

Adele’s been a bit of a chore around sleep time. We’re co-sleeping now out of necessity but she is not as easy here as she is back home in her own bed. It’s an exhausting hour or 2 trying to lay her down for a nap or a night’s rest. She is so unbelievably good at all other points in the day – seriously, freakishly good. Both my parents seem amazed at how well she listens. They both have said multiple times the same thing in a variety of ways but all equally as incredulous: “She *knows* exactly what you’re saying – look at her listen to you!” So I guess I should consider myself lucky that she’s not a little monster the majority of the time. She’s still mischievous and demanding but very respectful and seemingly understanding. She’s made everyone feel loved too. She asks about Grandpa when he leaves the room and says “Hi Grandpa!” when he returns. She wais Yai beautifully and is very polite to everyone. She also greets the dog with genuine warmth and affection who returns the love four-fold! Adele’s a really cool kid!

Practiced my song at the church and feel pretty good about it though I'd like to decide how I'm going to end it sometime soon.


More on this day to follow...

Who: Me & Dell
Where: the 757



Yesterday my mom came to my dad’s house and while it seemed like it should have been weird - it totally wasn’t. We all sat at the table, ate her sticky rice and chicken while she happily ate the duck I carried 3k miles across the country for her. My mom used to do nails and after we ate, she offered to do mine for me. It was a really nice bonding experience. I think the last time my nails were “done” was for my wedding. She massaged my hands and painted my nails a lovely mauve-ish shade. She even did my toes and said that no matter what you do, a lady must ALWAYS have her toenails done. Unfortunately, I’ve already messed them up…*that’s* why I don’t spend money on getting my nails done! She thinks I’m too much of a tomboy and should be more lady like…whatever that means. Despite my better judgment, I let her have the pleasure of bonding with Adele by letting her do my girl’s nails too. Dell’s, like Mommy’s, are all messed up now too.



Earlier that day, we explored Grandpa’s yard a bit more. We watched Ella, the dog, chase after and romp with giant bumblebees out by the flowers around the well. We watched deer graze and scamper through the yard. We saw fawn frolick. We watched Miss Kitty, a descendent of the Bengal I’m told, literally stalk said deer and chase them off her land! Later, we watched the dog go after the cat. We followed a butterfly. We watched a big spider sit in its web.



It was like an interactive hour in the National Geographic!

After Mom left, Adele and I eventually fell into a much needed nap. That night we visited Dad’s church where I’ll be singing a tune called “Cover Me Lord” this Sunday that I’ve known since grade school. My cousin Billie introduced me to Lisa Welchel (Blair from Facts of Life) back in the day and her one album is burned in my brain. We used to lip synch and make up dance skits to all sorts of music but for some reason, I’ve always remembered the lyrics to several of these Christian songs.

When we got home, I made yogurt with banana, cinnamon and all spice topped with oatmeal cookie. It was a pleasant cap to a pleasant day. Then it was bedtime and not so pleasant anymore. I wished for a few shots of anything hard liquor. One for Dell and 3 for me.

This is a photo from Friday evening before our palm was trimmed. I'm looking forward to the next chance I have to catch the now 3-frond palm against our pretty desert sky.

On Saturday, we met this:



And on Sunday, we found this:

So I liked what I was able to get done for Dell's birthday brunch in June but now I'm working toward the long(er) term. It'll be slow what with budget considerations and the level of DIY involved but so far, the outlook is good. I'm still planning to continue hardscaping but I'm re-doing what I've done so far. I am working with a mold for most of the interior part of the yard with a stone border dotted with round homemade pavers. I'm still trying to design the entire layout in detail but for now it'll all be dry laid bit by bit. I want to use the river rock to create a water like element somewhere in or through the space. I still don't know what to do about a garden. I'm not sure I'm up for the task but what a great hobby and learning experience it could be - for all of us, as a family.

My mom had a huge garden in Virginia. Fresh mint, tomatoes, cilantro and hot peppers were among the many things she grew. I never fancied it much as a kid but now I think I might. We've toyed with a raised bed garden but in the desert it actually requires more water so I think we might try making a small container garden and if that goes well, consider digging in. I struggle a little with expending too much money and energy on a fairly and hopefully casual endeavor that some people have built entire livelihoods around.

Bill said it best: "Where else can you be but Arizona when the skies fill with clouds and you have to take pictures to remember?"

On Friday: I thought I just wanted to trim a few branches from our tree in the backyard. I couldn't find the proper tool so armed with my least favorite pair of scissors, I set on to what I expected to be a quick mission.

I started snipping and I couldn't stop. I held one part of a branch and cut at the other, over and over and over again. Liberating these loose ends was intoxicating. As bits of tree fell to the ground, I thought about how I'm always pruning back bits of my life, almost without interruption. Whether in practice or in theory, It seems I'm always in pruning mode. I thought about how I really must take the time to enjoy this tree in its clarified form, as I should with other redefined areas of my life.

Even as I acknowledged my tendency to over-prune, I kept on, invigorated by the new buoyancy of the larger branches. As they lost the weight of several little branches, they would rise and actually provide more shade. I did go a bit overboard, I admit. There were a lot of branches that didn't deserve my hastiness and three hours, two blisters, a ladder, and one big mess later, I realized why Bill refuses to let me trim his hair.

An Observation on a Windy Day

Bill thinks the irises are toxic.

They are very fragrant and I love them but I've been having startling visions of scary men and he thinks they may be to blame. One scary man was in the house and the other was standing outside the front window.

I've also been hearing certain sounds in unusual ways. What sounded like metal clanging coming from the kitchen was actually a big ball rubbing against Adele's bare leg - who was right next to me. What sounded like an industrial machine tapping on the roof was actually Max's long claws striking the floor as he paced around the house.

My body has been exhibiting signs of unusual stress too. The rash on the top of the tongue...it's on the sides now. It hurts to talk. I'm in a bit of a mood as a result.

Tonight Bill said this about Della, which I found uplifting: "I'm so impressed with her. I never thought I would be like this. I'm impressed with children." Tangentially, I've been thinking a lot about adoption and I'm thinking it may not be a bad idea for us sometime down the road.

Driving the Vue has been an interesting experience. I feel a little self-conscious, having now joined the ranks of people with "big wheels." I felt like I was in a weird competition as I drove around today...as if my compact SUV was supposed to prove something. I don't feel as anonymous as I did with the sedan. I confess though - playing with the windows helps.

Tonight's episode of Criminal Minds was thought provoking...What if PTSD manifested itself in combat veterans with more frequency and intensity? What kind of perspective would society develop about war if they/we knew the soldiers who fight our war bring it back home; bring it into the home? One character said something like: "War - it's about the one thing that humans have managed to do with great consistency." The episode ended with a quote that went something like this: "If there must be trouble, let it be in my time so that my children may have peace."

This is the third day in a row that one of the new neighbor kids came over to ask for their soccer ball. I said I'd throw it over. There were FIVE soccer balls AND a deflated football (the other day it was just a soccer ball plus a SHOE.) I'd let them go into the backyard themselves if I knew the dogs wouldn't eat them...hmmm - that might be one way to keep the balls on their side of the wall.

Yesterday was Bill's work picnic at Kiwanis Park. I had grandiose notions of bringing something like a well seasoned lentil or potato salad, spring rolls, or some other such covered dish. We took terra chips (*2* bags of them). I didn't even go to get them - I sent Bill and Dell to Trader Joe's to get our potluck contribution so I could get ready. I'm glad I didn't invest too much time and energy into the affair.

We bundled up and arrived to the park where things were in full swing: rock climbing thing, big bouncy thing, one grill fired up for meat and the other for heat. Someone made a joke that the Iowa office would laugh if they could see the Arizona office huddled around a fire in the middle of the desert. I thought Bill said this was supposed to be an event for about 300 people and it seemed like barely 100 were milling around.

Della was very uncomfortable. After about 20 minutes, her lips turned blue and her mouth was shivering. We grabbed a couple of burgers and a cupcake and made our way back to the car. We decided against going back.

I was not too preoccupied to wonder if we should go back for our chips. It seemed that the picnic would be a short lived cold occasion and I couldn't help thinking about the chips...would they go to someone who would eat them? Would they just chuck them? What about all the other food that people brought and folks didn't eat? Would they bring it into work Monday? How much of it will they throw away? I stopped obsessing once we got to our next destination (the mall - the belly of the beast for all things wasteful).

Next time, just one bag...maybe half a bag. :)

This time a year ago, I was on my way to the hospital for an unscheduled induction. 2 days later, I became a parent. Have I really been a mother for nearly a year now? Where, oh where, has the time gone?

I find the recent remarks made by Virginia Rep. Virgil Goode unsettling.

I find the feud between Rosie and The Donald entertaining.

I can’t get enough of the RENT soundtrack, especially this time of year.

I wish I had friends or family coming to visit us. I scrambled around yesterday to get the food and things I needed to try and make the holiday as cozy and special for the 3 of us as possible. That means game hens, squash soup, kulfi, cookies, music and stuff to make decorations. The tree's been up for a few weeks but I've been stingy with the lights. Tonight we'll turn them on and leave them on. I think we'll drive around a bit tonight, with the Mormon Tabernacle chor xmas CD and take in the lights.

New Year’s gifts are in the making…I love them this year and hope others do as well. I can’t wait to finish and get them out next week.

My brother has begun the process to join the marines as an officer after graduation. I’m happy that one of his dreams is developing but unsettled that it involves war *and* our current political situation.

The house won’t be where I want it to be by the start of the New Year but I’m trying to find ways to simply be fine with the progress thus far. Lots of new paint & organization *does* make the place feel pretty good.

Dell’s birthday is Monday and I don’t have all the things together that I’d hoped to have together but again, I’m trying to find some solace in knowing that something will be ready to celebrate her day by that morning.

Saw the new NP and I like her a lot. Back on meds and wrestling with side effects which are agitating but not unbearable. Was in a hypomanic tizzy yesterday - unable to speak slowly or clearly, difficulty breathing, lots of hand gestures, talking too much. Looking forward to evening out a bit soon.

This weather makes me want to run. I love the chill. I’ve decided to do my first timed run next week. I think the last timed run I did was at Ft. Benning in July ‘96. My PR for a 5k was 21m23s and that was in 1995. I want to build up to a real run…maybe a half marathon sometime in 2007…before I get pregnant again. Which won't happen till I lose 20 lbs. I'm happily at my pre-pregnancy weight but am thinking that if I weigh less maybe the PIH will have less of a chance of reoccuring. I don't know this to be true - but it's a really good excuse to lose weight.

I turn 30 in a few months and have decided that now is the time…

-to write the book I want to write
-to work my body the way it can be worked
-to sing more
-to dance more
-to write & send more letters to family and friends
-to live as if any moment may be my last

I dreamed that as cats chased birds in a humble beach home somewhere, Adele spoke her first sentence:

"You peed in my favorite bowl."

In my dreams: we’re picnicking atop the lush green crowns of colossal trees in Brazil

In my motherhood-ing: hoping to try for another by autumn (suddenly I’m envisioning 4 “all day”)

In my body: I’ve begun the Shangri -la diet with great gusto, I’d like to lose 40 before inviting anyone to a 9-month residency

In my heart: I’m remembering the voices that first awakened it…the poets, the authors, the singers, the sea and the wind

In my mind: I’m seeing the moment, the here and now, with blazing clarity